Villiany, Minnions, and His Girl Friday
by mariteri
Summary: Leonard finds out that Sheldon isn't the man he thought-and neither is anyone else he knows. Alternative Universe! EVIL!Sheldon! DARK!Penny! Victim!Leonard! Bizzaro!Raj and Howard! Unapologetically Shenny! Rated T for language and theft!


**Disclaimer-I do not own The Big Bang Theory or its characters. Nor do I make any money from the posting of this fanfiction.**

**WARNINGS—EVIL!Sheldon! DARK!Penny! Victim!Leonard! Bizarro!Raj and Howard! Need I say this is Shenny? Really? I do? Well, consider it said.**

**Please read and review! Enjoy!**

**…**

**Villainy, Minions, and His Girl Friday**

Leonard glowered at Raj and Howard as they kept working on what they had been assigned to do by Sheldon. Yanking on the ropes yet again, he tried to think about how he had gotten into this situation. It was a week ago when it started. He had caught Howard and Raj reading over a letter. That unto itself wasn't odd or off putting. No, it was more due to the fact that it had been from Sheldon and they had both looked so horrified when they had absently announced it to him.

It wasn't until the next day when he found them working on what Sheldon referred to as his "project" that things started getting weird. They never allowed him to see the work and whenever Sheldon was reminded of the fact that he even knew of the supposedly secret project, despite not knowing the details of the project itself, he would twitch more than he had ever seen him do so before. And that was really saying something.

When he mentioned what was going on to Penny, she barely flicked a look over in his direction before saying, "You know how he is, Leonard. He's probably just working on some super secret strategy to win at paintball or something."

"Yeah, you're right," he said, relaxing all the more into the sofa. "So have you given any thought to what I asked you?"

"On what exactly, honey?" she inquired, as she finished sending off another text and looked at him. "I hate to be a bitch about it, but you ask a lot of questions and this week has been a weird one not only for you."

He laughed. "Don't tell me! You're involved in Sheldon's 'Project', right?"

She snorted at this. "As if." She received another text. "Something tells me that he would give me an I.Q. test if he had wanted me to have anything to do with his project—and even then if I didn't score above 140, I wouldn't be able to so much as drive him around while he was thinking really hard about it, never mind talk about it."

"Ha! That's such a Sheldon thing to do." He watched her returning the text. "Who are you texting?"

"A friend," she replied. "Why?"

"It's just that we've been talking and you haven't been…"

She got up. "I'm going out shopping, Leonard. See you later."

"But we were…" All she did was wave to him and left without another word.

But then it happened. It was just by chance that he had needed to check his e-mail and he had forgotten his own laptop at work. He went onto Sheldon's laptop, not thinking a thing of it as he had done so before in the past. He had done the check of his e-mail quickly enough, but it was when he was in the middle of closing the lid to the machine that he saw the encrypted desktop file. Curiosity had him looking at it all the closer. It wasn't his physics work. He could tell as much by the numbers he could make out. He shook that thought off as he told himself that there was no way of knowing, as it was an encrypted file after all.

He brought it up to Sheldon, asking him, "Why would you need to encrypt anything? It isn't as if the theory you're working on is a state secret."

Sheldon's head popped up from what he was doing, but didn't look over to him when he asked, "You went onto my computer?"

"I asked first, remember? I forgot mine at work."

"Of course I remember, Leonard. I have an…"

Pinching the skin at the top of his nose, he muttered, "You know even I without an eidetic memory can remember that you have one, seeing as you say so every single day!"

"Then why pray tell do you continually ask me if I recall certain comments, events, or individuals?" He stood up. "That's completely illogical, Leonard." Shaking his head, he walked away to his room with his laptop folded under his arm.

Leonard was far too irritated with Sheldon to realize at the time that he had used their usual arguments as a divergence away from his original inquiry. Not only had Sheldon not come close to answering the question about the encrypted file on his computer, but he couldn't even look at him when he asked him.

All of this came flooding back to Leonard later that night and made sleep impossible for him. What was Sheldon doing? What did he have to hide? And what did Raj and Howard have anything to do with it? And why hadn't Sheldon asked him to be apart of whatever it was that they were doing? He was his roommate after all! He had a right to know!

And so he started poking, prodding, and digging into what Sheldon and the others were up to. And he got absolutely nowhere in his endeavors, much to his disbelief and upset.

He went over to Penny to complain about it, but found that she wasn't at her apartment, despite it being her day off. Leonard was on his way back to his apartment when he heard Penny's loud complaining.

"I swear, Sheldon, if I had to listen to another minute of that lecture, I would have done a lot worse than snore," she told him. "I think I have your elbow imprinted into my side where you kept poking me. Hi Leonard." She pulled out her keys, turning back to Sheldon. "I'm sorry about falling asleep. I told you I was. Let me make it up to you by making spaghetti."

Sheldon's face which had been set into a frown, lit up as he asked, "With cut up hot dogs?"

"Of course," she murmured. "See you tonight at six?"

"I'll bring the garlic bread!" he exclaimed, looked to his roommate. "What are you doing standing around in the hallway, Leonard?"

"I just went over to talk to Penny, but she wasn't there. Wanna catch me up, buddy? You two went to a lecture?" When neither of them said a word, he went on with, "Since when has Penny gone to lectures at all, never mind with you?"

"As you may or may not know, Penelope has been taking college courses. There was a lecture today for her mathematics class and she had me go along with her as she was too cheap to buy a digital recorder." This had him glaring at her all over again.

"Moonpie, a digital recorder wouldn't be able to explain all of that to me when I'm trying to do my homework."

This mollified him. "Very true, Penny. And don't call me Moonpie. Only my Meemaw can call me that." He went back over to his apartment without another word.

Laughing to herself, she asked, "What's up, Leonard?"

He followed her into her apartment and closed the door behind himself, asking her, "Have you noticed that Sheldon's project has taken up the majority of his time?"

She shrugged. "So?"

"He's keeping it a secret from me!" he exclaimed. "Sheldon, who spilled the beans about everything he's ever done to anyone who has asked him, isn't telling me a thing!"

Pausing in pouring herself an ice water, looked over to him. "Everyone deserves some privacy in their lives. Just because he hasn't done so before now, doesn't mean that you have the right to know what he wants to keep to himself."

"You're on his side?" he asked, sounding truly upset by this.

"There are no sides!" she snapped. "And this isn't about you!" Penny slammed her drink down on the kitchen island. "For once, just for fucking once, Leonard, leave Sheldon alone. You aren't his keeper, you aren't his family, and you sure as hell aren't his friend if all you can think about is how you need to know whatever it is he's doing! Now if you'll please excuse me, I need to get ready for work."

"But, Penny…" This only made her roll her eyes at him and point to the door.

Leonard went back to his own apartment. It wasn't until the door was shut behind him that he realized that she had lied in order to get him out of the apartment.

When he opened the door to go back over to call her out on this point, Sheldon called out from his desk as he was reading from his cellphone, "Don't bother, Leonard."

"What are you talking about?"

"Penny texted me, telling me about what she said to you. Apparently, you gave her what not even a lecture on advanced algebra couldn't." He looked up to him. "You gave her a headache. She mentioned that you were being a giant ball of sucking need that she couldn't handle at the moment and that she wanted to take a real nap before she dealt with you again."

Pouting Leonard stomped over to his room, slamming the door shut. The music started and Sheldon muttered a curse to himself. He picked up his laptop and went over to Penny's in some hope that he would get some peace there.

Little did Sheldon or Penny know that it was in that moment that Leonard decided to hack into Sheldon's project to find out what was going on and why he and his friends were keeping it from him.

It had taken him just over three and a half days to do it, but he did it. He found out what was going on—and it terrified him.

As the information flashed on his screen, his eyes got wider and wider behind his glasses in shock. "Sheldon, what the frak!"

He thought about going straight over to his roommate and demanding what he was doing with so many different bank account numbers, social security numbers, and passwords. But no, Sheldon had made it a point to keep this business from him. So what, he asked himself. What did this mean? He would just have to get his answers from the two that he knew he could—Howard and Raj.

The two just stared at him, looked to each other and back over to him.

It was Howard that spoke first. "You hacked into Sheldon's computer?"

"That's just what I said," he told them. "What's the matter with you two? Are you saying that you knew about what I found out?"

Raj pulled out his cellphone and made a phone call. "Sheldon, Leonard found out." He paused. "He hacked your computer." His dark eyes flicked over to Leonard and he muttered, "We're at your apartment." He paused again. "Right now?" He hung up the phone. "He wants us to bring him to the warehouse."

"What warehouse? What…" But that's when Howard used the taser on him and everything went black.

…

Leonard woke up slowly and found that he was tied to a chair. The warehouse turned out to be as large as an airplane hanger. He looked over to see Sheldon, Howard, and Raj working on several laptops at a large work area. There was a noise behind him and he saw several graduate students rolling servers over to where Sheldon was directing them to. He was about to open his mouth to yell when he felt cold metal prongs at the back of his neck.

"You so much as inhale and I'll zap you faster than you could have an asthma attack in a dusty room," Penny breathed against his ear. "Nod if you understand."

He nodded even as he attempted to make like a turtle and sink into his shirt to allow for much less of his neck to be showing. He tugged on the ropes, making her chuckle.

"I learned knots as a part of the rodeo, Leonard. You're not getting free until we want you to be." She pulled away from him, watching the students leaving. She went over and locked up behind them. "Sheldon, he's awake."

"I know, but I'm busy, darlin'," he replied as he got to work setting up the servers they would be needing.

Smiling happily she sat down across from Leonard. He blinked at her, shocked at her state of dress. She was wearing a hot pink shirt dress that was clearly silk made by a high price designer and she was wearing black Jimmy Choo gladiator stilettos. And if he didn't miss his guess, they were the real deal and not the knock offs that she tended to buy. Her hair, which was usually up in a ponytail or whatever was the easiest at that moment, was curling around her face in a new hairdo that looked as high maintenance as the rest of her. On top of all of these things, her skin looked as if she were glowing. She had always looked beautiful before, but now she looked amazing.

She crossed her legs casually holding the taser as easily as one would a Coach bag. It was right at that moment that he realized that he knew far more about fashion than he was even close to being comfortable with. Sheldon came over to her, leaning down and kissing the nape of her neck.

"Why don't you see to our car, Penny?"

"Yes, Doctor," she murmured, kissing his offered cheek. Hopping up she added, "Any preferences?"

"A limo where I don't have to sit near the minions."

This only had her grinning, "Can we have them sit up front with the driver and we can close the divider?"

He grinned. "Excellent idea." Glancing back over to Leonard, he ordered, "Now leave us be so that we can speak."

"Okay," she said and went on her way.

"You and Penny?!" Leonard snapped. "She's my girlfriend!"

"Oh yes, she is, isn't she? That is until another pretty girl catches your eye." Sheldon sat down. "My sister, our upstairs neighbor Alicia, and just recently it was Alex my assistant." Leonard's face went a lurid red. "And we cannot forget to mention Pryia, can we? Just how many times did you sleep with her while Penny went to see her family this last Christmas?"

"I'm a man and I have needs!" he yell whined only to be rewarded by a sharp slap across the back of his head.

"The car will be here within the next fifteen minutes. I'll go wait for them while you deal with Leonard, but I reserve the right to castrate him at a later time as per our girl Friday contract."

"Of course, Penny. All I ask is that you put down plastic or to do so at a slaughter house where such thing as that much blood would go unnoticed."

"That's why I scoped out Monrovia, Sheldon," she told him and received a beaming smile from him.

"That's my girl. I'm so proud of you." She beamed with happiness, as she walked away again. It was a grim faced Sheldon, who turned to his roommate and said, "Why would you want to involve yourself in my business? You've never done so before. Why now? Why this time?"

"You're nothing more than an identity thief!" he exclaimed. "You won't get away with it!"

Sitting back in his chair, he murmured, "You think that I'm a common identity thief?" He chuckled evilly. "You couldn't be more wrong, of course."

Raj came over and showed him the work that had been done to that point in time on the tablet in his hand. "Fifteen more hops to go and contact will be made."

"Cleanly?"

"Of course," Raj assured him. "Once we get in through the backdoors we made, we'll only have fifteen minutes. But with what we set up in Spain and India, we should have upward of at least an extra twenty-five minutes easily."

"Very good, Raj. If my plan comes off without a hitch, I'll allow you to punish Howard soundly tonight."

Raj beamed at those words, looking over to Howard who let out an eager yip and proceeded to pass out with the excitement of it. Rolling his eyes, Raj went over to take care of Howard even as Leonard seemed to start struggling all the more with his bindings.

"Do relax, Leonard. You'll end up hurting yourself at this rate," Sheldon told him.

"What did you do to them?" Leonard demanded.

"I didn't do anything to them," he told him. "On the contrary, I presented them with an offer and they accepted it. Whatever changes took place within themselves they did, not me."

Penny came back over, plopping down in the chair next to Sheldon. "The car arrived early." She frowned, as she looked at the smaller man across from them. "What's with him now?" Rolling her eyes, she said, "I swear it's always something with him. Always needs to be the center of attention." She nodded as if she were agreeing with her own argument. "That and because his mom is a cold witch." Sheldon's eyes narrowed. "Sorry, Doctor, but to everyone outside of you and the tennis instructor that she's currently involved with pretty much thinks she's a big ole cold fish."

He pursed his lips. "Penelope, I know of your distaste for Leonard's mother springs from the fact that she kissed me while very intoxicated and I would have loved to have had her as my parent growing up." He sighed wistfully. "That would have been a wondrous experience."

"The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, Moonpie," she told him. "Let me ask you this—Say you did have her as your mother that would also mean that you wouldn't have Meemaw as your Grandma."

Horror crossed his face. "I never thought of that."

"And I have to admit this here cornhusker likes long, tall Texans with a deep sexy growl," she purred, walking two fingers up his arm.

This made him blush and smile at her warmly. Sheldon leaned over and kissed her long and slow, making her melt against him like wax. His arms snaked around her, as he murmured, "I need to take care of business, darlin'. But as soon as it's finished, I'm all yours."

She smiled and gave him a brief peck on the mouth before getting up. It was as she was straightening her dress that she saw Leonard staring at them in shock. "What?"

"You and him?!" He looked to the taller man. "I had dibs! I saw her first!"

"Dibs?" this came from Penny. "You put dibs on me, Leonard?"

Howard and Raj both breathed, "Oh frak!"

She tried to take a calming breath, but ended up whispering, "That is degrading to me. I'm not a-a seat at a table or the front seat of a car!" Taking a deep breath, Penny stood up all the straighter and said, "And besides, Sheldon saw me first when I came to look the apartment over for the first time so you can shove your dibs for all I care where the sun doesn't shine!"

Once she was gone, Sheldon looked over to the stunned Leonard. He chuckled, saying, "Penny thoroughly eludes logic, but it is very much a part of her charm."

"You saw her first?" Leonard asked weakly.

"Yes," he replied, as he stood up. "I saw and spoke to her when she came to look the apartment over. I took her out to dinner that night. And even though we've shared a bed since two weeks after we met, we didn't have coitus until after we were married six months later." He got up and went over to him. "Penelope has been and shall always be my darlin' little Penny Blossom. You never had a chance, Leonard."

"Why…why did you two keep it from me? You knew…you knew I loved her…"

Sheldon snorted. "Love? What do you know about love, Leonard? What you know about that topic could fill a teaspoon. You lusted her. I'm told there's a vast difference."

"But we dated!" Leonard exclaimed.

"Yes," he said, sounding sour. "About the only thing I can say about that was that it was a necessary evil. I needed you distracted at the time."

"Distracted?" Leonard asked.

"Yes, because if there was one thing Joyce Kim taught me is that there is nothing like a lovely form and a pretty face to get you to look the other way."

"But this isn't like you!" he said in an almost pleading tone.

Rolling his eyes, he snapped, "Howard! Come here!"

He rushed over and waited for Sheldon to continue.

"Explain to Leonard if you will the facts of life when it comes to me."

Leonard looked over to his friend, who looked deep in thought. "It's like this—you know how we kept on saying that Sheldon was a lab accident away from being a villain?" The other man nodded. "Well, it turns out that he had already had that accident years before we met him. And right now we're…"

"Howard," Sheldon said, his tone low and threatening.

"Oh come on! He's going to find out soon enough! Please can I! Pretty please?"

"No, that is my story to tell," he replied. "Go back to work and have Raj let me know once you're in."

"Will do!" He scurried back to work.

Leonard turned to Sheldon to find the tall genius staring holes into him. "You had an accident?" he asked weakly.

"Several of them," he murmured. "But I must say that it was that CAT scan debacle that put the nail into that particular box, as it were. At first I had dreams of taking over the world." He sighed heavily. "It was Penny that told me that such goals were unrealistic. And that more times than not ends with the person dead with a bullet in the head, in prison being some illiterate brute's bitch, or in a mental hospital crying about what could have been. A sad but true statement. But what one can do is operate covertly and in this day and age that is quite simple. Made so by the modern computer." He waved to the servers. "You want to know what we're doing? Fine. You deserve to know what is going on. It's the least I can do." He moved his chair closer to Leonard. "As you may or may not know some of the richest banks in the world are in the Cayman Islands. Their clients are the richest individuals on the planet."

Frowning Leonard whispered, "You're robbing the banks?"

"Yes," he said with a wicked grin. "We set up back doors to the accounts of several banks there on the islands. But we aren't taking all the money—that would be too conspicuous to say the least. No, what we have been doing for the past year is for one hour a day siphon off the interest from random small accounts and hide them within the banks themselves so that balance sheets show no numerical change."

"But why do it? If they're small accounts, the amounts wouldn't amount to much."

"Even the smallest of the accounts we broke into held hundreds of millions of dollars. And after a year of pulling out my illegally gotten gains, I have a little over fifty billion Euros waiting for us to collect."

"B-but you don't care about money!"

"If you had approximately fifty billion Euros waiting in a bank account collecting interest hourly, would you have a care in regards to money, Leonard? I think not."

"We're in!" Raj called out to him.

"Pardon me, Leonard. Work awaits." He went over to where the others were and got onto his computer.

Penny came back over, going over to Sheldon and kissing his head without saying anything to him. She went over and sat next to Leonard as if she were waiting for something.

"Why, Penny? Can you tell me that much?" he asked her hoarsely.

She thought it over. "Have you ever had the opportunity to be a part of something bigger than you are?" She looked over to him. "Of course you have. You get those chances all the time!" Looking over to Sheldon her eyes shown with happiness and what could only be called a weird pride in the man she was staring at. "I didn't, not until I met Sheldon—the real one not this man that he pretends to be for others."

"You love him? How? He's a bad man! He's evil!"

"Oh please, Leonard. No one gets out of this life untainted," she sighed. "Not even you."

"What does that mean?" he demanded.

"It means that you're a selfish sonofvabitch whose only deep and abiding loyalty is to yourself and your own needs," she told him bluntly. "You're a nice guy sometimes, but for the most part your mommy issues have you being so needy more times than not that frankly no one with even one brain cell in their head would be able to stand it for more than a minute if they weren't bribed heavily."

"You were…" he started.

"Bribed very heavily," she finished. "And before you start debating about whether or not I'm right about you being selfish, let me remind you what you did with the can opener at the Arctic. If that wasn't a selfish bastard move, I don't know what is." She glared at him. "You were just lucky that my Doctor talked me out of hunting you down and slaughtering you like the pig you are."

Sheldon came walking over and joined them. "Done!" He pressed a kiss to her temple. "All packed, Penny?"

"Yes, Doctor." She stood up next to him. "And in the car as we speak."

"Good girl. Howard went to get the car with Raj. Can you wait with them? I need a moment with Leonard."

"Of course," she murmured, looking over to Leonard. "Goodbye Leonard." Penny walked away without another word to him.

"This is farewell, Leonard," he told him. "I wish it were under better circumstances. But frankly that would be an outright lie and you deserve the truth if only now." He leaned down so that they were face to face. "I could have easily made you a rich man, Leonard. A man of means, if you will." He untied Leonard and sighed, "If only you hadn't decided to pick up that damn can opener." He walked away from him. "But you're still somewhat useful to me. After all, what would this robbery be without a person to blame?" He stopped at the door and looked back at the now trembling man. "Have fun in prison, Leonard."

The short bespectacled physicist was still weeping wildly and yelling hoarsely that it wasn't his fault when the FBI came to incarcerate him.

**The end.**

**…**

**It is at this time that I would like to point out that this is a work of fiction—and fanfiction at that. The chances of breaking into any of the Cayman Island banks in such a way is impossible and I know it. These are the most well guarded banking institutions in the world. The robbery staged in this story is pure fiction, a lie, undoable, and a big old fib. Safe, untaxed money—if I had mass amounts of the green stuff, I'd have it there too. Just saying.**

**Thank you so much for taking the time to read. Please if you could review. If you're going to complain about how I treated Leonard, well, let's just say I have a story idea in the works where Leonard gets the crap beat out of him just to show what actual violence is. Yes, this retaliation is empty and meaningless, but damn won't it feel good just to have that last line say, "Now ****_that's_**** violence!" Have a great day everyone!**


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